Throw Back Thursday

Well, it’s been a while since I’ve done up a blog post.  While I’m sure you have been starving for more of me, the good news is that I haven’t had time to write up a blog post because I’ve had many new projects on the go.

However, I came across a piece of artwork that I did from high school that always gives me pause for interspection.

I had undiagnosed ADHD when I made it.  Although I consider it ADD because, well, when I was a teenager, there was ADD, and there was ADHD.  Now I guess it’s all under ADHD.  I was never bouncing off the walls, or yelling randomly, etc… all of the extra energy seemed to swirl around in my head, or in little annoying habits.  Either my leg would always be bouncing, I’d be counting the amount of times my fingers touched each other (in multiples of 6 for some reason?), twirling my hair, picking at imperfections, etc.. My favourite and most cathartic expulsion of this energy came in the form of doodling. I didn’t do it because I thought I was an artist… in fact, any time someone would comment that it looked cool, there was always someone there to remind me that doodles don’t count as “art”.  I did it because not only did I need a place to focus my energy, but because these doodles were the best visual representation of what my brain felt like.  And still feels like.  It gives me a sense of balance.  I feel like a part of me has found its happy medium.  While the style isn’t for everyone, and some may not even consider it art, I feel a sense of balance looking at it.  To me, it looks interesting… like I want to sit and stare at it, and find all of the intricacies that I wasn’t even aware I was drawing.  Even if other people don’t get it, I get it.  And it’s me.  And as long as I get me, then that’s all that matters.

I had a close friend that was — and I assume still is — an incredible artist.  Like, Robert Bateman caliber.  She was selling her art while still in junior high.  This could definitely be one of the reasons that I never felt like my doodles were worth pursuing when I’d see them next to hers.  She never made me feel like I couldn’t draw.  In fact, she would encourage me in art class.  She felt I was capable of doing realism and more traditional art if I focused.

Which brings me to my high school artwork that I found.  The assignment was that you had to use paint.  There were no other parameters other than that you had to use paint.  I wasn’t as comfortable with painting, so I wasn’t sure what I was going to do, but my friend and teacher suggested I try water colour.  I’m not sure how long we worked on our projects in class, but I was trying to do a traditional painting with a traditional medium, and I just wasn’t feeling it.  I’d start, and not be happy with it, and start again, etc..  One day while I was in the art room, I saw a piece of wood (about 10″ x 7″), and a visual popped into my head about what I could do with it.  Our projects were due within the next day or two, so if I decided to start over, I knew I wouldn’t have much time.  But I was so uninspired by my water colour, and so inspired by this adamant yet inanimate piece of wood, that I decided to start over.  I’d never done my doodling with paint before — getting the paintbrush to cooperate enough to get all the small details was a challenge — but I had a vision, and I was determined to see it through.  I carried the piece of wood and my supplies with me everywhere I went so I could get it done in time.  Plus, any creative person knows that when it hits, you’ve gotta ride the wave!

I ended up being a day late with my project.  This wasn’t a big deal for me — virtually all of my homework was handed in late (if it was handed in at all).  Yet, I was proud of what I had made.  When I got my project back, I was excited to see what my teacher thought, but as I looked at my grade and the comments, my heart dropped, and was crushed to see the grade I had gotten on it — 29/50… 58% on my favourite piece of artwork that I’d ever handed in.  I read the comments, and felt defensive and hurt.

“Map of Minds

by Johanna Bialik

March 2K

29/50

• very pleasing design using repitition & contrast
• well for variety & harmony
• good balance & harmony

Lost points for

• being late
• lack of colour [I didn’t like this comment because the assignment didn’t require us to use colour]
• lack of sketches and preparation
• and for degree of difficulty

If you had got busy and focused on your water colour I know you would have done well.  You have lots of talent Hanna, but it will not take you very far without some self-discipline and commitment.  You could make a real contribution to the world with your ideas and abilities teamed up with committment and work.”

When I read the teacher’s comments now, I don’t feel hurt or defensive.  I feel empathy for a teenage girl that felt misunderstood.  A girl that was always trying, and always failing.  Now I know that there are other people out there like me.  I understand what the teacher was saying to me, especially now as a mother.  Being through these experiences has made me well-equipped to properly guide youth with similar struggles.  I also know that while people around me didn’t/don’t necessarily understand me, the way that I see and feel the world are what make my designs stand apart.  My company is still in its infancy, but I know that I have interesting takes on a typically traditional field, and I believe that I have something to add to the quilting community.  I feel I am on the path to fulfilling what my teacher was attempting to guide me to so long ago.

The white paint on that piece of wood has faded now.  Due largely in part to my little sister (who was six at the time) taking a marker and tracing over the shapes.  My first reaction was “What the heck did you do to my painting?!”.  Then she looked up at me with her big brown eyes and messy curls and told me that she thought it was pretty, and she was trying to learn how to draw like that. *tear* How can you be upset about that?! Now it’s just another fond memory attached to this piece of wood.

Author: Hanna

Wannabe artist and designer View all posts by Hanna